The Emotional Struggle Of My Journey

Yesterday when I was swimming during my workout, it just hit me how much I have changed in the last few months, and I love it. I am not talking about my pant size here. Something inside me has changed. I have spent a lot of time writing about exercise and time or distance, weight, whatever. What I haven't spent a whole lot of time on is the emotional journey I am going through. I tend to hold this kind of thing very close and don't advertise it a whole lot.

This all started a few months ago when I was inspired to seriously lose weight and work towards competing in a triathlon. But this experience is really changing who I am as a person. This weight loss journey has been a segway into much more than I initially anticipated. I have just been changing so much as a person and it feels so good. In the past, I had spent a long time hiding behind excuses and fears and my size. Telling myself that I can't do a particular thing because I was too out of shape, or too inexperienced or too whatever. I have historically had a problem with goal setting and this really played into my past failures. I was afraid to fail and therefore afraid to try at all. I created a person that I didn't like being. And through the weight loss journey, without trying to change or fix anything else intentionally, somehow it is all falling into place. I am building my goal setting skills. I am building confidence. I am happier. I am motivated and positive. I am starting to feel like a whole new person inside and out and it is really amazing.

I have been listening to Dave O from Zap120 alot lately and I think I need to stop holding back on this part of my journey. There are alot of feelings attached to this process and they aren't all the good ones that I normally share. Fatigue, frustration, impatience, self doubt, dips in confidence, self consciousness, anger, futility. These all go through my mind at different times during this process and I am just learning how I can best deal with them and stay positive and getting better and better at it as time goes on.

I am really enjoying the change my body is going through. Truthfully, it can't happen fast enough. I have always played off the fact that I was fat. I would tell myself I don't care, or it doesn't bother me, or I'm not that fat or that unhealthy. But I was lying to myself. I was watching the Biggest Loser last night and I realized, like Erik, I am sad being fat. In fact, I hate it. On my previous attempts at weight loss, I don't know what it was, but I didn't have it. No weight loss mojo or whatever. This time, I am committed. And I have engaged every possible person I come across to pull them in as support. It helps me keep my chin up and keep me focused and accountable during those moments of fatigue and struggle. Thank you all for helping me become a new me.

Ending update: I am now up to 33 pounds lost! I have 7 more pounds to lose and I will have met my goal of losing 40 pounds this year. With my new workout and my commitment to my diet and exercise, I should get there no problem. I stopped watching the scale so much, partly because I was told not to by my trainer, and partly because my schedule has changed and I am so busy. I have noticed my clothes are fitting much differently. I actually sighed relief that a pair of new pants shrank in the wash so I could wear them longer.